While most of our work here at the Tart consists of simply sneering at those in the public eye and throwing in a couple of rubbish puns, we do occasionally do our bit for the public good. So to give you all a nice Christmas present we’ve put together a list of the year’s shittest films, to help you out next time you go to rent a DVD out. And we’re not just taking about any old shit. We’re talking about films so shit their foul stench stings the eyes and burns the nostrils.
James Morgan takes us through numbers 10-9.
10. Forgetting Sarah Marshall – A film that would be instantly forgettable if it wasn’t so downright offensive. According to this film, if you’re ugly, obnoxious and stupid then glamorous, beautiful and talented women will fall in love with you. Which is obviously bollocks. Because if it was true all those kind of women would be knocking my door down wouldn’t they? So while this film had a few minor laughs, it gets on the list simply for its misleading and vaguely misogynist tone. And here’s you thinking that the Andrew Sachs debacle was the worst thing Russell Brand was involved in this year.
Made me feel like…smacking myself repeatedly in the head with the DVD player in the vain hope that it would induce amnesia, thus removing all trace of the film from my memory.
9. Sex and the City: The Movie – What do you get when you take four middle-aged women (the ginger one, the horsey one with the wart, the only attractive one, and the elderly, haggard whore one), add a message of unashamed consumerism and throw in some sentimental old bollocks about one of them getting married or something? Two whole hours of jaw-droppingly inane conversation, about shoes, men and what’s better… men or shoes, that’s what. Mild titillation was provided when the elderly, haggard-looking one undressed. Mild annoyance was provided when the only attractive one refused to do the same. Abject tedium was provided throughout.
Made me feel like…scratching my eyeballs out with a rusty nail.
8. 21 – One of those “based on a true story” charming underdog tales where a real life occurrence is glamorized, pulverized and rendered entirely soulless by Hollywood. It has all the makings of the cut-and-paste book rip. An unfeasibly attractive, if borderline autistic, genius with appropriately nerdy mates gets invited to a card counting club. Which is incredibly convenient because he needs to rake in $300,000 to make the tuition fees for getting into Harvard Med School. Obviously said card counting club has a sexy girl (or two) that our irritating protagonist gets to bump uglies with on several totally gratuitous and crass occasions. At the end, the old mates he ditched help him out to swindle the nasty evil passive-aggressive card-counting mentor in a general feel good vomit-a-thon. The film employs the pathetic “cool evil guy” and the “stereotypical bad black guy” role switch; only thing is the bad guy is Laurence Fishburne and I can’t side with anything that looks like a gingerbread-man with more than a touch of Down’s Syndrome. After a few crashing defeats he gets into Harvard, they’re all best mates and we feel cheated. At the film’s end all we feel is the bitter disappointment, the aftertaste of yet another good story ruined by the Hollywood machine. Ironically for a film that is supposedly about mathematics, it’s about as cerebral as repeatedly punching yourself in the head.
Made me feel like…tearing out my heart and roasting it at 190°C (Gas Mark 5) in an attempt to make myself immune to heart warming tales.
7. Jumper – For a film named after one of my favorite pieces of clothing, I was disappointed. Well to be frank, I was enraged to the point of titanic fury as I clenched my fists to prevent myself from committing an onslaught of my fellow movie-goers via evisceration with the sharp side of the popcorn box. Unfortunately, as Hayden Christensen sauntered onto the screen I lost all control. Safe to say, I’m not welcome at the Odeon Beckenham anymore. It’s quite easy to see what they did with this one. Someone thought it would be nice to have a few sequences of an overly self satisfied human smug-machine zipping around from one ‘epic film locale’ to another. This is dandy, but they really need a villain of some sort to drive the plot. It seems they didn’t bother telling us why he’s after him but that’s just details right? Of course, with the substantial budget allowing them to spread the shoot across ‘the world’ they had enough money to buy only the best brooding bad guy, Samuel L. Jackson. With an inexplicable white crew-cut. Later on in the film that numpty from Billy Elliot turns up to add some horribly mis-judged romance. I suppose at times it did seem like they tried to put some sort of plot in there. Seemingly nothing happens at the end and you’re left with the same idea they proposed at the start; “Hey imagine if you could teleport!”. To be honest you can just watch the trailer a few times and have a better viewing experience. I’ve seen better Thomas Cook adverts.
Made me feel like…piercing my eyeballs with superheated needles.
